Snuff It #3
Having One Child Is Not Procreating
Excerpts from an interview with an ex-member
by Sister Catherine
I remember saying in a letter that I knew that I didn't want to use birth
control because I wanted to get pregnant. Which is a hard thing to actually
admit to yourself. And then he said the same thing...It's kinda like you
want to have a baby together. And it's not even for having the baby, it's
like this bonding thing...and I think that's why I got pregnant before too...
Every other guy I've gotten pregnant with before, it's been in the beginning
of our relationship. When you're sort of in love and you don't want to think
about marrying this guy...But yeah, I thought I was going to get married
and have a family. And then after that I guess, I knew that he didn't buy
this at all, but there's this instinctual, it's sort of on a deeper level,
there's this sort of intuitiveness about stuff like this, as we are women.
Like this is what I'm supposed to be doing...
In June, when I got pregnant, everything was perfect...My mom, my friends...
were like "What the fuck are you doing, are you crazy? You're not ready
to be a mom"...The Rev. mentioned the thing about--that it's just me.
That I'm acting like there's two people involved and there isn't. There is
just one person...That's one thing I can't say that I agree with...To me there
are two people involved. There is me and another life. I can't say when life
happens...I was really confused at the time so it confused me more, certainly...
I hate television. Everything is based on the media now, which advocates
sex and violence. It's very hard for me, I'm scared. Kids in first grade
are talking about sex and stuff like that. They don't have a childhood
anymore... I'm not trying to say that I condone having kids...but I can't tell
you how many fucked up people I know that are having kids. People that I know
are fucked up, not to mention people that I don't know. If people like you
and me can have children, I mean that's a step in the better direction. And
having one child is not considered procreating you know...I read that in
school, sociology or something. Because, if you have sex--two people--if two
people make one person that's not increasing the population, or something.
There's a word for it...I'm not trying to make an excuse, I just found out
about that the other day...
I'm kind of a TV addict. If you let me be I'll just watch it all of the
time. I eat compulsively and stuff. I got that from my mom. My mom's
depressed. She's not like major, but she's always been somewhat depressed.
And that's how I am too. And that's something I'm very fearful of passing
on to the kid. Extremely so. That's the kind of stuff I'm scared of. That's
why I want my child to love himself...Then I think the longest I'm going to
live with my mother, the longest would be four years...So I guess I'm not
really that worried about it. And plus, my mom's just so happy. I feel like
this is almost a gift to her. Certainly not why I'm having a baby--to give
my mom a present, but you know, it definitely goes both ways, she's very
excited...Yeah, I'm nervous about moving back there. I've been away ten years.
I don't know how things are going to be...She's also very like, she needs her
space. She's very independent...She's never been like the dictator mom...
Though I probably will be, since I think that she should have been more
Yes, I'm lonely...I think that people don't love me. Which is sort of the
same thing. And that I'll be loved by this child...Like I said before, I
decided to have the baby because I thought I was going to get married to
him, that we were going to have a family. So this wasn't for this baby to
fill something that I didn't already have...It wasn't like I decided to have
the baby no matter what at first...I decided to have this baby because...this
seems like what I want to do...So I guess I know my psyche well enough to
be able to say yes, I've been lonely for the last two years and yes, I've
always had a problem with feeling loved. You know, like, do people really
love me? Because I am very insecure. But I'm also insightful enough to
know that that's my problem, that it's not true, that the people do love
me. I just have to remember to believe it...And I know I would never have
a child so that they could love me, that's ridiculous...
My mother hates men. She told me never to get married and never to have
children. So my mother did not influence this child, believe me. She's
definitely, I'd say, pro-choice...But like I said, she's still a mom. She
loves kids...The fact of the matter is children have to be integrated into
society...It's good to be part of society. If you're separated from it,
then what's the point anyway?...Being selfish was the furthest thing from
my mind...My life is not that wonderful that I want it to stay the way it
is. I am more than willing to have a complete change. There's nothing I
need to hold on to.
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