Snuff It #4
Dear brethren, these are difficult times we live in. I'm sure that the
bombing in Oklahoma leaves us all with a deep uneasiness about our future
here in the Land of Opportunity. The Dollar drops precipitously against
the Yen, unemployment keeps rising no matter what the president says, the
streets are dirty and dangerous and crawling with crazed crack dealers...
Even the atmosphere is full of holes. It's enough to make any decent
citizen depressed. But don't despair! No matter how overwhelmed and
powerless you might feel in the face of such adversity, there is something
you can do, right here, maybe even right now, to help solve all of these
problems, and ensure your happiness and the happiness of generations to
come: you can have a baby! That's right, it's time to raise a family!
That woke you up, didn't it? I saw you snoozing there in the back row.
Pay attention! This is important! Now, you've heard the politicians
complaining about the decline of the family, and the collapse of moral
values, right? And how many of them are doing their share? Not many!
They're too busy driving their fancy cars, and besides, half of them are
closet queers! They can complain until they're blue in the face, but
they're not going to save the planet. It's time to take matters into our
own hands! If you're a guy, punch some holes in those rubbers, or better
yet, throw them out the window, and tell your beloved to expect a little
visit from the stork! She'll understand, and what's more, she'll respect
you for it. If you're a girl, stop taking those poisonous birth control
pills, today! Wait for the right time of the month, ask your mother if
you don't know what I mean, and then slip your boyfriend's penis into your
vagina. Don't be shy about it, just slide it in and out until his sperm
shoots right up into your cervix! He'll fall asleep, and you can rejoice
in the absolutely certain knowledge that you are carrying out God's Plan
Think of all the years you've wasted, flushing that sperm down the toilet,
in condoms or wads of kleenex, wiping it off your chin with a t-shirt, or
even swallowing it, when you could have been helping to save the planet!
But that's okay, because with today's modern scientific miracles, it's almost
never too late! Soon you'll be making up for lost time, with a little
cutie-pie on each nipple and a bun in the oven. What joy! There's no cure
for the blues like hungry mouths to feed. You won't have time to feel
depressed anymore! You'll be pumping out copies of yourself like there's no
tomorrow, and if your man doesn't like it, well, you'll just have to find
another one! Slap him in the face! Tell him to snap out of it and deliver
the goods, because only a crazy man would stand in the way of God's Plan!
That's grounds for divorce in any state, and worse if he's not careful!
The Founding Fathers of this great nation made laws to protect us against
men and women who use their sex organs for lewd, disgusting perversions
instead of procreation. God doesn't like people who masturbate, or engage
in unnatural acts, with members of the same sex no less! God hates these
wicked people, and strikes them down with terrible diseases like herpes and
AIDS! They are even lower than animals, almost as low as abortionists, and
the Founding Fathers knew this and created sodomy laws so these foul
creatures could be safely locked away, or killed like rabid dogs. Don't
let it happen to you! Would you rather rot in a filthy jail cell, or follow
the path of righteousness? Would you rather roast in the electric chair, or
help build the new Jerusalem? You know the answer, so what are you waiting
for? Put your sex organs to work for Jesus!
Hear me brethren, God needs warm bodies, right now! God wants us to have
more babies than fingers! God wants us to fuck like bunnies until there's
no room for anything else, not even animals! God doesn't love animals!
God wants us to push the cows and pigs and chickens into the sea, and still
keep on fucking, until there's no more space left on Earth, until we tear
into each other's flesh like rats in a cage, because GOD LOVES PEOPLE!
And now dear brethren, let us rise, and sing along with the Borg:
No cats to purr.
No dogs to scratch.
No birds to sing.
No cows to kill.
Dream, dream, we can dream,
We can dream.
(Wolf! Sheep! Wolf! Sheep!)
No lions to tame.
No cocks to crow.
No mice to trap.
No deer to kill.
Dream, dream, we can dream,
We can dream.
The life of a laying hen begins in a hatchery. Because male chicks will
never lay eggs and are not bred to gain weight quickly for slaughter, they
are promptly suffocated, gassed, or put through a crushing machine which
grinds up their bodies into pulp. Female chicks are de-beaked [see the film
Baraka], toe-clipped, vaccinated, and sent to large windowless
buildings. At 20 weeks of age, when they are ready to begin laying eggs,
they are transferred to laying houses, which typically hold 80,000 hens
confined in wire cages so small that 4-5 birds live in a cage the size of
a single newspaper page. Under these highly unnatural conditions, hens
become aggressive, cannibalistic, and often die from stress. A 10-18%
mortality rate is not considered unusual. But on the factory farm, the
individual animal is worth little in terms of the overall profit margin.
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