Snuff It #2

Ask Chrissy

A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to man, nor shall a man wear a woman's garment; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the lord.

-Deuteronomy 22:5

Dear Chrissy,

How can I join the Church of Euthanasia? Do I have to kill myself first? What are the rules?

-Anxious in Albany

Dear Anxious,

Joining the Church is EASY! Just wrap ten dollars in a piece of paper, pop it in an envelope and send it to:

C.O.E., Box 261, Somerville, MA 02143

Of course you don't have to kill yourself! If you really want to, though, wait until after you've joined the church! That way, you automatically become a saint, without any additional paperwork. The church has only one commandment, and it is:

"Thou shalt not procreate."

This means NO BREEDING! Procreation is grounds for immediate excommunication. Some related guidelines for good living follow:

1. Suicide is optional, but encouraged.
2. Abortion may be required to avoid procreation.
3. Cannibalism is mandatory if you insist on eating flesh.
4. Sodomy is optional, but strongly encouraged.

Note that cannibalism is limited to consumption of those ALREADY DEAD. There is currently no shortage. Killing people for food is strictly prohibited, no matter how hungry you are. Also note that contrary to popular belief, sodomy is defined as any sexual act not intended for procreation. Fellatio, cunnilingus, and anal sex are all forms of sodomy and are still illegal in many states. Masturbation may or may not be sodomy; the jury's still out on that, but it's okay with us, especially if you kill yourself while doing it.

Dear Chrissy,

I'd like to kill myself, but I'm not sure how. Does it matter which way I do it? Can you come down here and help me with this? Do I have to do everything myself?

-Overwhelmed in Orlando

Dear Overwhelmed,

Technically speaking, it doesn't matter how you do it, though some methods are considerably more sure, painless, and neat than others. Try to be considerate of your friends and family who will discover you afterwards. They're STILL finding bits of Kurt Cobain's head around the house. Much as I would like to, I can't actually provide any physical assistance; that remains illegal in both of our states. What I can do is urge you to find a copy of Derek Humphry's book Final Exit. He provides a wealth of handy data including contacts and drug dosages. I'll summarize some of his most interesting recommendations:

• Don't do anything that will endanger anyone else, including driving into on-coming traffic or railway trains, jumping in front of cars, mixing household chemicals to make poison gas, etc.

• Don't take cyanide unless you're a chemist. You'll be very sorry if you accidentally ingest hydrogen cyanide (HCN) instead of potassium cyanide (KCN).

• Never mind what you saw in Coming Home. Injecting yourself with a syringe full of air is much more likely to cause brain damage and paralysis than death.

• Getting into the bathtub with your hair-dryer might not work. It depends on your fuses, and worse, someone else might get electrocuted trying to save you.

• Don't hang yourself without reading Naked Lunch first. It can be quite messy and disagreeable for whoever has to cut you down. I know it looked easy in Billy Budd, but that was a MOVIE. The British Navy also used very LONG ropes to break the neck instantly.

• Drowning has good points, and the colder the water, the faster it goes. Avoid being rescued, and keep in mind that your body might turn up somewhat chewed.

• Freezing is even better, and quite painless. Just head for the mountains (no, this isn't a beer advertisement) late in the day, get yourself above the freezing line, and have a seat. Be sure to wear light (or no) clothing, and take public transport so the Rangers don't find your car and look for you.

• The official Hemlock Society approved method of "self-deliverance" is a combination of taking tranquilizers and putting a plastic bag over your head. Even if the dose isn't lethal, you asphyxiate while you're snoozing. They even suggest a trial run! The bag should be big enough so that you start out with some air and don't freak out right away. Use rubber bands to make the bag fit snugly. Apparently it's easier if you open the bag, put the rubber bands on, and then slide the whole thing onto your head like a hat. Assuming you have access to tranquilizers, the only tricky part is deciding whether to use a clear or opaque bag. There's one to ponder...

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