Church of Euthanasia

The One Commandment:
"Thou shalt not procreate"

The Four Pillars:
suicide · abortion
cannibalism · sodomy

Human Population:
SAVE THE PLANET
KILL YOURSELF




Snuff It #1


The Police are Your Friends

On April 15, Rev. Korda was very nearly arrested behind the Somerville police station. She had just stuck a Save The Planet, Kill Yourself sticker on the rear bumper of a shiny new police cruiser, and was focusing her 35mm camera when the sergeant walked out the back door. Rev. Korda rushed over to the car and managed to remove the sticker, but too late.

"You! What are you doing?" yelled the sergeant.
"Nothing," replied Korda, a firm believer in lying to the police.
"Did you put that sticker on that car?"
"No!"
"Well that's funny, because I just saw you do it!"
"Okay, I did it, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, it was just a prank, I'll never do it again!"
"Uh huh. You got any ID on you?"
"No."
"What's your name?"
"Chris Linden."
"Where do you live?"
"On Central street."

The sergeant unzipped his jacket and whipped out his radio. "Ah, we got a girl out here acting in suspicious manner, says her name is Chris Linden, you show anyone by that name on Central street?" After a long pause, the radio answered "Ah, we don't show anyone one by that name, over."

By this point two other officers had joined the sergeant, and they proceeded to search Rev. Korda, while another officer yelled out the window, "take her camera, take her camera!" Unfortunately Rev. Korda just happened to be carrying a notebook with her name and address on it. The sergeant stared at it for a while, in apparent disbelief

"Your name wouldn't happen to be Chris Korda, would it?"
"Yes, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean it, you're making me nervous, please just let me go!"

The sergeant lifted his radio again. "Would you believe it? She lied to the police! Her real name is Chris Korda, see if she has a record."

One of the other officers, a burly, handsome Irishman with a long handlebar mustache and an enormous cigar, became noticeably excited. "Stick out your wrists!" The officer unbuttoned his handcuffs and slid them onto Rev. Korda's outstretched wrists. "Oh, these will fit real nice. You better pray to the warrant god! If you got a warrant you're spending the weekend in jail! On your knees! Get down on your knees! Pray to the warrant god!"

Rev. Korda was happy to oblige, as she quite enjoys being humiliated by beefy men with big sticks. She got down on her knees in the parking lot, prostrated herself, prayed to the warrant god, begged for forgiveness, and was just about to offer them blowjobs when the radio answered. "Ah, she's just got a couple of traffic violations, over."

The sergeant looked visibly disappointed. "Okay, disappear, run!" Rev. Korda started walking away, dazed by her incredible good luck. "You're not running!" She started running. "Run faster! Run like a rabbit!"


 prev  ·  index #1  ·  next 

 top  email the Church of Euthanasia