Church of Euthanasia

The One Commandment:
"Thou shalt not procreate"

The Four Pillars:
suicide · abortion
cannibalism · sodomy

Human Population:

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Foreword: Masters of Puppets

March 26 marked the start of a week-long Bio-Tech trade show and conference called Bio 2000, held at the Hynes Convention center in downtown Boston. On the same day, a large and well-organized demonstration / puppet show / parade against GM (genetically modified) food was held, under the name Bio-Devastation 2000, in neighboring Copley Square. The Church of Euthanasia joined the demonstration, raised a giant banner that read "HUMAN EXTINCTION WHILE WE STILL CAN," and began broadcasting anti-human messages on a portable sound system. The demonstration's organizers responded with unanimous hostility. Having anticipated this outcome, Rev. Korda gave a thoughtfully prepared speech, the text of which is given below. The reaction to the speech culminated in several acts of violence, including attempts to disable the Church's sound system by cutting the microphone cable with a knife, pouring water into it, and knocking it over, as well as attempts to disable Rev. Korda personally.

These attempts being only partially successful, the organizers resorted to announcing on their (much larger and permitted) sound system that the Church was being paid by Monsanto. Though Rev. Korda repeatedly dared them to call for the police, who would doubtless have enforced the permit by chasing away the Church, the organizers appeared ideologically unable to do so, relying instead on overt physical coercion disguised as "direct action." Evidently their much-touted pacifism was reserved for those who already agreed with them. Most demonstrators seemed oblivious to the paradox of using a "free-speech" activity to suppress another "free-speech" activity, held by a minority group no less. In the demonstrator's minds, the Church was either with them, in which case it must obey their leaders, or it was a paid agent of the police or Monsanto. The notion that the Church could be reluctantly supporting bio-tech, for its potential to destroy human food supplies before we irreversibly damage earth's atmosphere, was completely beyond them.

The Bio 2000 Speech

You are engaged in sanctioned dissent activities. The appearance of dissent is critical to the smooth functioning of a modern industrial society. Please engage in the following activities: Display provocative signs and banners. Shout angry slogans. March through the streets. Circulate petitions. Distribute pamphlets and other literature. Confront passing consumers and engage them in forceful dialogue. Shake your fists at the police. Sing rousing leftist songs. Please engage in any or all of these activities. By engaging in these activities, you are maintaining the illusion that we live in a free society.

In fact we are only free to consume the various products that are marketed to us by industrial society. Some of these products are targeted towards politically correct leftists. Other products are targeted towards conservatives. No one is discriminated against. This is a free society. Everyone is welcome here. Everyone is welcome to buy as much as they like. Short on cash? Forgot your wallet? Not a problem. We offer plenty of credit at an attractive interest rate. Inquire for details. Buy. Buy more. Buy now.

Please continue to protest in an orderly manner. This is pleasing to the authorities. Keep your signs banners held high, so that passerby and police can read them. Annunciate clearly when chanting slogans. This will make it easier for others to understand you. If you communicate effectively, everyone will benefit. You are fulfilling a valuable social role by engaging in these condoned dissent activities. Rise to the occasion. Do your best to fulfil your responsibilities. Hold your signs and banners high. When chanting, annunciate clearly. When singing leftist songs, sing on key whenever possible.

Copley Square is usually a shopping intensive area. On any other day, your credit rating would be checked by the police. Anyone not possessing a major credit card with a sufficient available balance would be politely asked to leave the area. Obstructing traffic clearly interferes with the acquisition of material wealth, which is the primary purpose of the Copley Square shopping district, and on any other day, such obstruction would certainly not be permitted.

Today is different. Today, Copley Square is a sanctioned protest area. Today many forms of dissent are condoned in Copley Square. By engaging in these condoned dissent activities, you help maintain the illusion that dissent is meaningful. By participating in this charade, liberals and conservatives alike can pat themselves on the back, and feel good about themselves. You look fabulous. You're changing the world. Protest is fashionable. Protest is good. Protest is good for America.

Please protect everyone's right to fool themselves, by restricting yourself only to condoned protest activities. The following protest activities are not approved. Do not engage in any of these activities. Do not attempt to cross the metal barricades. Do not protest outside the designated protest area. Do not deface buildings. Do not break windows. Do not damage property. Do not throw rocks or other objects at the police. Do not squirt police officers with urine. Do not trip police horses by dropping greased ball bearings on the street. Do not overturn police vehicles or set fire to them. Do not litter.

This is not Seattle. We are not lawless anarchists. This is Boston. Here in Boston, when we wish to express dissent, we apply for a permit, and obtain insurance. Dissent is serious business. Only responsible citizens have the right to express dissent. Don't let the organizers' hard work go to waste. Don't let a few bad apples ruin this sanctioned protest activity. If you see a protester engaging in any unapproved activity, do the right thing. Report the violation to the nearest police officer immediately.

The police are your friends. They are here to help you express yourself. Help the police help you, by policing yourself. If you find yourself engaging in lawless behavior, turn yourself in. Don't endanger your fellow protesters by running away or hiding. Do the right thing. Turn yourself in. If you are about to damage someone's property, turn yourself in first. Thanks to your self-restraint, everyone else can express themselves freely, without fear of changing society in any way. If you are having antisocial thoughts, don't hesitate to share them with the police. They will help you help yourself, by arresting you. Working together, with the Boston police, we can achieve total uniformity of thought and expression. Let's all be ignored together.

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