The Church of Euthanasia

MITERS sermon

And I'd like to bring a few things together for you here. The bottom line is, as we all know, people are having sex. More every day, and there's also a lot less parrots... [What's your position on that, Reverend?] I was speaking to Michael outside on the landing there, and he said we've already wiped out 15 species of parrots, we didn't get into the numbers all that much, but there's only about 300 species left. That sounds like a lot, but in fact a parrot only, a parrot might live as much as a hundred years, so there's really no way to tell how many parrots there are, because they might not have anywhere to breed at this point, so they could all just vanish because we're cutting down all the trees. Now what's the point? Well, the point here is that the parrots are vanishing, people are having sex... Can somebody spell out for me what the connection could be here? [Too many people!] Thank you. Exactly, there's too many people and as proof of this, as you know kind of uh, I hold up the smoking gun, I have here a flyer from the Sierra Club, I don't know, some of you may be familiar with the environmental movement, you may know that the Sierra Club are sworn enemies of the Church of Euthanasia, they are the most, bar none, they are the most conservative environmental organization I've ever heard of. They pretty much encouraged the Forestry Department to go in and cut down most of the old growth forest in the United States and haul it off and sell it as timber. That was cool, that was no problem, that was what they call "wise use." So you know these guys are real hard-core assholes mostly, worse than ZPG, worse that any of the environmental groups I've ever dealt with, and they now have this nifty flyer: "Defusing the Population Bomb." Now, this is big news, you won't hear about this in the Boston Globe, but this is big news. What this means is that even within the most conservative environmental circles in the United States, it has become totally acceptable and mainstream to talk about limiting population growth, even right here (gasp) in the United States. Yes, American humans actually not having children. So what do they say? They say this, I mean this is quite something, they say, "Human population growth undermines both natural and man-made communities"--read "parrots"--"and contributes to virtually all global environmental problems." Okay? "global warming, deforestation, desertification, extinction of species" (extinction of parrots) "can all be traced to the addition of"--get this, I hadn't thought of it this way--"the addition of 4.5 billion people to the earth over the past 160 years." Okay? 160 years, that's, you know, that's not much longer ago than the Civil War, that's really very recent history. We're talking about having added basically two-thirds of all the people on the planet in the last 150 years or so. But they say, well, you know the population of 5.8 billion will double in the next half century. They ask the big question, "Will humans survive? The loss of natural ecosystems and uncontrolled population growth drives them to the very edge of the last wilderness in search of precious natural resources..." I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THAT! Come on! I mean does any of this make sense? The question is not will humans survive, the question is will parrots survive. Right? I mean that's what nobody associates... even no matter how, you know, "good" this is, I mean I applaud the Sierra Club, even though their membership voted down any efforts to suppress human population, this flyer was really, you know, before that happened, none the less, they're still missing the point, no matter what, whether the Sierra Club is in favor of or against population growth, they're missing the point. The point is not whether humans will survive. We already know that humans are like cockroaches, they're like rats, I mean they can survive anything, they can survive in outer space, they can survive on the surface of the moon. It's perfectly possible they could survive underground, like THX-1138 in giant bunkers and there won't be anything left on the surface of the earth except desert. Right? That's totally believable, that's what they're softening you up for on those space age shows on TV. [chuckling from the audience] You watch that Next Generation shit on TV, and you think you're watching about outer space in 2000 years, you're watching about now, that's about earth. That's what life is going to be like on earth after we make the surface of the planet uninhabitable by spewing fossil fuels into the atmosphere, okay. So the question has nothing to do with human survival. Humans are going to survive one way or the other, although it's very possible that the earth will take steps to reduce our population, we're very clever, we're very smart... my money is on the humans, not the earth, okay? It always has been. That's why I founded the Church of Euthanasia. The Church of Euthanasia is about making people aware that it's humans that are the problem, right? The humans get bigger, the other species get smaller. More humans, less trees. Less trees, less fucking parrots. It's really that easy, okay? So that's what all this has to do with sex. So you know it's cool, I'm fine with female sex whatever, you know, vibrators, groovy. We like vibrators, we like masturbation, we like it all, sexual pleasure is cool. The Church of Euthanasia is not anti-sex by any stretch, this is a misunderstanding. We're pro-sex, [one little yelp of glee from Marilyn] we're pro-sex-for-pleasure, okay? That's what this is all about. So, the Church of Euthanasia, you all should be lifetime members, it's that, I mean really, you all should be, I'm preaching to the converted. Raise your hand if you're not going to have children. Really. Come on, this is not a joke, raise your hand if you're willing to do that much for the fucking planet. You should all have your hands up. Be proud of it! It's something to be proud of, it's something to be proud of! That's what membership in the Church of Euthanasia is, it's taking a lifetime vow to not have children, to do at least that much, if nothing else. Fuck recycling, you can drive your car, you can keep your microwave, I don't care about that! [laughter] You can sit in front of your computer until your little eyes pop out of your head, I don't care about that either. It's okay, I can't expect you overcome all of your social conditioning in one lifetime. You've been conditioned to work with machines and... operate in a totally robotic society and that's okay, that's the way things have worked out, you know, we used to like hang out and bang on rocks with sticks and now we sit in front of computers all day and send each other email. I can't change that, it's too big. Nobody can change that, okay? But this much you can do, this much you can change. You can not have children. It's not a big sacrifice, in fact it's not even a sacrifice. Look around at your friends who've had children, what do they have? Headaches! Nothing but headaches! Do you know how much it costs to raise a child to be an American consumer? Jesus Christ! Think of all the plastic toys, baby clothes, fucking play-pens with trendy shit, all that stuff... You go down to Memorial Drive on the weekend and you will see breeder heaven. I mean you've never seen so many breeders in your life! And they're all there on their fucking rollerblades, right? And they've all got like strollers this wide, you know, not one, not two, but three or even four wide. And they're like power strolling, they're cruising down the road with these things, on their rollerblades. It's like, where the fuck is all this stuff going to come from so that those kids can go to Harvard? Where is it all going to come from? They're all going to have cars, right? Everybody in China is going to have a car too... it's not going to happen, it's not going to work like that. What's going to happen is there's going to be massive deforestation, global war, disease, famine, all kinds of horrible shit that's already happening to just about everybody but us, right? We, we don't care, we don't give a shit because we're still hanging out here sending each other email and having a good time, but everywhere else in the world everything's fucked! I mean you think it's a joke but it's not. It really is, read the papers! There's mudslides, and the weather is insane and there's global warming, and there's, the rivers are running black, and in China the river doesn't even run. I read in the paper the other day there is no Yellow River. The Yellow River has stopped running, because they sucked too much water out of it. They've got to get their water from somewhere, right? All those people have got to have water. They've got a billion people, that's a lot of fucking water they need, right? So what? We make more water. No, we don't make more water, wrong! There are limits to human ingenuity, right, there are limits. You can't make fresh water, it's very difficult. The amount of energy you would require to make fresh water makes it not a reasonable thing, you can't do it really. So, in fact, humans are already way over the limits of what we can draw down from the planet. We're way beyond our carrying capacity and nature has a very important lesson for what happens to a species that exceeds the carrying capacity of its environment. Generally speaking what happens, in fairly short order is, extinction. (Chuckle) Bye-bye! It doesn't work, you know you just, you can go for a little while and you think, wow, this is groovy, we're exceeding our carrying capacity, we're exceeding our carrying capacity, it's cool, and the cops haven't caught us, we're getting away with it, [more laughter] yeah, we're really getting away with it, those ozone holes, don't worry about that, don't worry about those ozone holes, FUCK THAT! I'm telling you, I'm telling you, those ozone holes are real. That happened in your lifetime. You saw it. You read it in the papers, you saw it on TV. It wasn't some story, it wasn't science fiction, like all that bullshit we're constantly being inundated with every day, fantasy, fantasy, fantasy. It was REAL! The ozone really did get fucked up, and the water really did get fucked up, and the species really did get wiped out... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY! IT'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY! How can I get through to you?! It's happening. It's happening in your lifetime and only you, only you the intelligent, articulate, sensitive, educated humans who actually understand what I'm saying can ever fucking do anything about it. Nobody else can do anything about it. You think people in Ethiopia can change this? You think they can do a fucking thing to change this? You, the brightest, the best, the smartest, the educated, the people who went to MIT, who have learned everything there is to fucking know about every technology in the world, you are the only people who can stop it from getting worse. And the first fucking thing you can do is make an example of yourself, to everybody who ever meets you, to everybody who ever fucking KNOWS you, BY NOT HAVING ANY MORE OF YOURSELF.

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