The Church of Euthanasia

e-sermon #15

Dear brethren, these are difficult times we live in. I'm sure that recent events leave us all with a deep uneasiness about our future here in the Land of Opportunity. The dollar drops precipitously, unemployment rises no matter what the president says, the streets are dirty and dangerous and crawling with drug addicts, even the atmosphere is full of holes . . . it's enough to make any decent citizen depressed. But don't despair! No matter how overwhelmed and powerless you might feel in the face of such adversity, there is something you can do, right here, maybe even right now, to help solve all of these problems, and ensure your happiness and the happiness of generations to come: you can have a baby! That's right, it's time to raise a family!

That woke you up, didn't it? I saw you snoozing there in the back row. Pay attention! This is important! Now, you've heard the politicians complaining about the decline of the family, and the collapse of moral values, right? And how many of them are doing their share? Not many! They're too busy driving their fancy cars, and besides, half of them are closet queers! They can complain until they're blue in the face, but they're not going to save the world. It's time to take matters into our own hands! If you're a guy, punch some holes in those rubbers, or better yet, throw them out the window, and tell your beloved to expect a little visit from the stork! She'll understand, and what's more, she'll respect you for it. If you're a girl, stop taking those poisonous birth control pills, today! Wait for the right time of the month, ask your mother if you don't know what I mean, and then slip your boyfriend's penis into your vagina. Don't be shy about it, just slide it in and out until his sperm shoots right up into your cervix! He'll fall asleep, and you can rejoice in the absolutely certain knowledge that you are carrying out God's Plan on Earth!

Think of all the years you've wasted, flushing that sperm down the toilet, in condoms or wads of kleenex, wiping it off your chin with a t-shirt, or even swallowing it, when you could have been helping to save the world! But that's okay, because with today's modern scientific miracles, it's almost never too late! Soon you'll be making up for lost time, with a little cutie-pie on each nipple and a bun in the oven. What joy! There's no cure for the blues like hungry mouths to feed. You won't have time to feel depressed anymore! You'll be pumping out copies of yourself like there's no tomorrow, and if your man doesn't like it, well, you'll just have to find another one! Slap him in the face! Tell him to snap out of it and deliver the goods, because only a crazy man would stand in the way of God's Plan! That's grounds for divorce in any state, and worse if he's not careful!

The Founding Fathers of this great nation made laws to protect us against men and women who use their sex organs for lewd, disgusting perversions instead of procreation. God doesn't like people who masturbate, or engage in unnatural acts, with members of the same sex no less! God hates these wicked people, and strikes them down with terrible diseases like herpes and AIDS! They are even lower than animals, almost as low as abortionists, and the Founding Fathers knew this and created sodomy laws so these foul creatures could be safely locked away, or killed like rabid dogs. Don't let it happen to you! Would you rather rot in a filthy jail cell, or follow the path of righteousness? Would you rather roast in the electric chair, or help build the new Jerusalem? You know the answer, so what are you waiting for? Put your sex organs to work for Jesus!

Hear me brethren, God needs warm bodies, right now! God wants us have more babies than fingers! God wants us to fuck like bunnies until there's no room for anything else, not even animals! God doesn't love animals! God wants us to push the cows and pigs and chickens into the sea, and still keep on fucking, until there's no more space left on Earth, until we tear into each other's flesh like rats in a cage, because GOD LOVES PEOPLE!

And now dear brethren, let us rise, and sing along with the Borg:

No animals.
No animals.

No cats to purr.
No dogs to scratch.
No birds to sing.
No cows to kill.

Dream, dream, we can dream,
We can dream.
(Wolf! Sheep! Wolf Sheep!)

No lions to tame.
No cocks to crow.
No mice to trap.
No deer to kill.

Dream, dream, we can dream,
We can dream.

No animals.
No animals.

Thanks to TMax and Izzy for translating the preceding hymn from the Borg Collective. They can be reached at:

The Noise
74 Jamaica Street
Jamaica Plain, MA 02130

• Back to the e-sermons page.