The Church of Euthanasia
Dear brethren, it gives me great pleasure to announce that the
talk.euthanasia news group is a big success. There has been much
discussion of euthanasia, most of it very serious, and we have made many
new friends, including today's featured guest, the quick-witted and
eloquent Randy Turney (email@example.com). Randy gets off to great
start by flaming some pro-abortion idiot who has the nerve to suggest that
"in an overpopulated world it makes much more sense than bringing another
unwanted child into the world." Randy really lets him have it!
I take it you make this statement from a "there is [sic] too many
people in world so let's ask some to step off" point of view. Well, speak
for yourself. The child my wife and [I] are expecting IS wanted and so
will it's [sic] siblings to follow.
Bravo, Randy, you tell him, and congratulations on that bun in the
oven. The more the merrier I always say! Randy continues:
I have respect for those who support euthanasia from the point of
view of some [sic] seeking to be euthanized, but not for those who support
euthanasia from the point of view of reducing the burden on society and
Well that sounds fair enough, but now look what happens! Some crazy
bitch from the so-called "Church of Euthanasia" starts foaming at the
Randy, the human population is increasing by one million every four
days. That's ninety-five million people per year (the current population
of Mexico). Under the circumstances, I have respect for the people who
aren't breeding, and you're not one of them. Your wife is expecting, and
what's done is done. I've never refused anyone entry into my Church
because of children they already have, nor will I, but bragging about how
many more you're going to have is really going too damn far. We are
losing a species every sixty minutes, and an acre of trees every eight
seconds in the U.S. alone, and it just doesn't mean a thing to you.
Geophilus (spokesperson for the Gaia Liberation Front) once said that
while humans evolved on the Earth, they are no longer of the Earth, and I
swear you are the living proof. Keep stuffing yourself full of dead
animals, Randy, and remember: the world is your ashtray.
Ouch! What's her problem? A little PMS maybe? Well, don't fret, because
Randy's motto is "courage is a man who keeps on coming on." (Captain McNelly,
Texas Rangers). Yes sir, Randy's as tough as they come, and he bounces right
back with one of the most impressive statements we've ever seen:
Do you understand what rights are? Rights are possessed only by
members of our society - not by plants, trees, animals, the Earth, or
other inanimate objects.
Thank you so much, Randy, for pointing this out. Plants, trees,
animals, and the Earth have no rights whatsoever. If you've seen one
plant, you've seen them all; they belong in salads. Trees cause
pollution; President Reagan said so on television, so it must be true.
Animals are for barbecuing and testing cosmetics on. The Earth is a giant
cigar, and it is our sacred duty to smoke it, until there is nothing left
but smoke, and ashes. Unfortunately the Earth is a big planet, and there
still are a lot of plants, trees and animals left on it, despite what
those environmentalist cranks say. This is why we must increase our
population, by procreating as often as possible. I know you're doing your
share, Randy, and that's why you're my hero. Keep shooting them out, big
guy, because that's what you're here for!
Meanwhile some other joker butts in with a rhetorical question:
Do property owners have "rights" to do whatever so amuses them with
their piece of the Earth?
Randy ponders this one for a while, and lays down the law:
I'm a strong believer in property rights, but I would say "no they
Oh, Randy, say it ain't so! What kind of un-American commie crap is
that? Of course they do! You just said yourself that the Earth doesn't
have rights, anymore than slaves or women had rights a few hundred years
ago, when things were simple and men had courage and kept on coming on!
Those were the days, weren't they, Randy, those pioneer days, when America
stretched out for thousands of miles, untouched, a ripe virgin, ready to
be raped and beaten and bound and sold for auction. Nobody to stand in
your way but a few ignorant savages, and they certainly didn't have
rights, did they, they were only animals, or maybe plants, I forget, but
who cares, they're all dead now anyway, chopped down like trees in the
name of God. If you own a piece of Earth, then by God you have every
right to kill anyone who walks on it, the same as you would kill anyone
who touched your woman. Hell, that's what the Second Amendment is all
about: making sure that decent God-fearing Americans like you can arm
themselves to the teeth to protect their land and animals and slaves and
women from commie heathens.
No, you've got to stick up for your rights, Randy, because if you
don't, some liberal do-gooder is going to come around and take them away
from you! It's every man for himself here! What's yours is yours, and
the one who dies with the most toys wins! Peace through Strength, as some
famous German guy said! Euthanasia is for pussies! Anyone who doesn't
want to live is a pussy, and there's no room for pussies in America!
Sell a country! Why not sell the air, the clouds and the great
sea, as well as the earth?
-some pussy named Tecumseh