Church of Euthanasia

The One Commandment:
"Thou shalt not procreate"

The Four Pillars:
suicide · abortion
cannibalism · sodomy

Human Population:

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The Church of Euthanasia

e-sermon #17

Today's reading is from chapter two of Our Plundered Planet, by the eminent zoologist Fairfield Osborn:

    Man, then, has exchanged the safety and flexibility of generalized characteristics, which since his primitive days have largely contributed to his survival, for extreme specialization. Through the development of the physical sciences, funneled into vast industrial systems, he has created and continues to create new environments, new conditions. These extensions of his mind-fertility and his mind-restlessness are superimposed, like crusts, on the face of the earth, choking his life sources. The conditions under which he must live are constantly changing, he himself being the cause of the changes. In this metamorphosis he has almost lost sight of the fact that the living resources of his life are derived from his earth-home and not from his mind-power. With one hand he harnesses great waters, with the other he dries up the water sources. He must change with changing conditions or perish. He conquers a continent and within a century lays much it into a barren waste. He must move to find a new and unspoiled land. He must, he must--but where? His numbers are increasing, starvation taunts him--even after his wars too many are left alive. He causes the life-giving soils for his crops to wash into the oceans. He falls back on palliatives and calls upon a host of chemists to invent substitutes for the organized processes of nature. Can they do this? Can his chemists dismiss nature and take over the operation of the earth? He hopes so. Hope turns to conviction--they must, or else he perishes. Is he not nature's "crowning glory"? Can he not turn away from his creator? Who has a better right? He has seemingly "discovered" the secrets of the universe. What need, then, to live by its principles?

Dear brethren, the Great Purification is almost at hand. The Chinese and French nuclear explosions are the glove-slap, the shot across the bow, the beginning of the final battle. Fernando Pereira stirs from his watery grave, as the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty smolders in the ashes of Muroroa. Already President Clinton scrambles to take advantage of the situation; soon America too, will resume "testing." Are the Humans incapable of restraint? Are they truly programmed to destroy the Earth? Must the Earth rise up against the hostile aliens? Is there to be no reasoning with them? Did the Hopis address the United Nations General Assembly for nothing?

Long ago, the Hopis predicted "If we dig precious things from the land, we will invite disaster." See how the whales beach themselves, and crop circles form in the fields; Mother Earth is crying, and who is to blame? Who ripped her open? Who looted her treasures? Who stripped her bare and blindly tore into her flesh, crying out for more? The Humans have invited disaster, and disaster has come. Fundamentalists thunder that the apocalypse is near. They are fools; their apocalypse has already begun. All that remains is the question of degree. How much suffering do the Humans really want? How much of the Earth must they lay waste in their last spasm of self-destruction? Even now, on the threshold of annihilation, the choice is still yours. Your leaders say that to win in battle, you must know your enemy; I say to each and every one of you, "know yourself."

Let us pray:

Great Spirit, I am unworthy;
My species has disgraced itself.
Of all the species that live, or have ever lived,
Mine is the lowliest.
Lower than the flowers who fill the air with sweet pollen,
Lower than the trees who encircle the Earth with their roots,
Lower than the insects, rulers of Earth
Since the beginning of time,
Lower than the darting fish,
Lower than the soaring birds,
Lower than the four-legged creatures,
Who are the beating heart of the living Earth.

Great Spirit, my shame is as deep as the ocean,
And my sadness is unbearable.
I pray for enlightenment,
But fear that my prayer is too late.
Great Spirit, if this be so, then I pray for extinction.
Let my species become extinct, and vanish from the Earth.
Let my loins be barren,
Let my seed not sprout,
Let the race of men fall like leaves.
Let my fields grow wild,
Let my fences crumble,
Let my cities turn to dust, and become forests.
Let the grass drink my blood;
Let my body be food for worms.
Great Spirit, let me die, that the Earth may live.

[a moment of silence]

Finally, an IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. Thanks to Pastor Scott in Arizona, we have a bold new plan. In early December, the Church of Euthanasia will unveil the world's first suicide assistance hotline! We'll start with a billboard here in Boston that says:

Helping you every step of the way...
Thousands helped! How about you?
Sponsored by the Church of Euthanasia.

Folks will be able to call up and use their push-button phone to select from a wide range of helpful and inspirational options:

  • Going out like a celebrity
  • Techniques from A-Z
  • Helpful hints
  • Snuff de Jour
  • How to become a saint
  • Christmas getting you down?
  • Etiquette: neatness counts
  • For a damn good reason to do it
  • For that added measure of courage
  • Leave your final recorded message

We can charge up to a $1 per minute for the calls. With a little luck, the service will MAKE MONEY and we'll be able to set them up NATIONWIDE! Incredible? Not at all! The local billboard and telephone companies have already agreed to it! It's legal! It can happen! We CAN make a difference, but we need YOUR help! To make this dream a reality, we desperately need financial support from YOU, faithful subscriber and supporter of the Church of Euthanasia! Even with our tax-exempt discount, the billboard and the telephone set-up charges will total approximately $800. Are we going to let that stop us? The SNUFFIT-L mailing list contains over 750 addresses. If each one of you sends as little as ONE DOLLAR, we'll have enough money to set up the world's first SUICIDE ASSISTANCE HOTLINE! Make no mistake, this will be NATIONAL NEWS! Geraldo! Ricki Lake! Reader's Digest! Euthanasia will become a household word, thanks to YOU! Your contribution is 100% tax-deductible, so send a dollar, send five dollars, send whatever you can afford, just send it TODAY!

YES! I want to help!

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