The Church of Euthanasia

e-sermon #3

Dear brethren, today I have a special surprise in store for all of you. Today we have with us none other than the amazing Yanni Cooper! Yanni is a real live Snuff It-thumping environmental extremist, a loyal follower of the church, and I'm proud to call him my friend. He will be delivering today's sermon, and I suggest you all hold on to your benches and pews, because otherwise they might blow right over! But first, before we get started, let me take this opportunity to thank ALL of you who came to last Sunday's picnic. It was a roaring success, and there were many enlightening conversations. Later everyone got very drunk, volleyball was played naked in the mud, and several acts of public sodomy were performed, one of which I still have bruises from, but never mind. On a more serious note, those of you who still follow the Spectacle will know that at the last minute, thanks in large part to YOUR earnest prayers, the tiny island of Haiti was NOT saturation-bombed into the stone age by the B-52s of the United States Air Force. Gaia be praised. With your continued prayers, the situation is bound to further improve. I've said it before and I'll say it again: why waste money on the military when people need to die right here at home! And now, without further ado, let's hear it for Yanni "moise" Babatunde Cooper!

(microphone adjusting, howling feedback, etc.)

I'm sick of hearing about inner city violence. I'm sick of hearing about the millions starving every day. It's a historically proven fact that the best way to prevent war is to have the populace of one or both countries die off from a famine or plague or something. I mean, almost no one wants to conquer a desert filled with starving babies and lepers and raving lunatics.

The biggest problem in the world today, the largest cause of suffering and pain, the biggest contributor to the unbalancing of the ecosystems of Gaia and destruction of whole species, is none other than you, the gentle reader. Gentle my ass!

Maybe you consider yourself to be "environmentally conscious". Sure but do you drive a car? "Oh but it passes the emissions test" you say. So? That is just what the current governmental body think is the amount they can allow you to pollute the atmosphere, without it effecting their chances of getting reelected. And riding a bike instead doesn't help that much even though it is better then a car. Do you have any idea how much waste is made in the creation of just ONE bicycle?

You recycle? Bravo, well done. Though unless you live off soda most likely you recycle less than 10-15% of your waste. Boy is that going to save the environment. Chances are that you aren't buying recycled materials either. Oh, you are? Well I'm sorry then I guess you ARE environmentally conscious; except that most likely what you are buying is not really recycled material. To be truly recycled it has to be 100% P.C.W. (post-consumer waste). That means someone used something previously, recycled it and now you are using bits of it again. Most things touted as "recycled" nowadays are merely the using of the scrap left over from the creation of other products. Legally companies are allowed to put recycled on it because it is technically using something that has been previously used. But they would have used it anyway. And even if they do contain P.C.W. most products are still 70-85% virgin products or post industrial waste (the scraps I was telling you about earlier). Chances are that no matter how environmentally conscious you think you are, you aren't.

Well maybe you are a member of Green Peace or some other "Save the Animals" type club. Fat lot of good that will do. Most of that money you send them every couple of months merely goes into someone's pocket or towards recruiting new members to give them more money.

Oh, wait, what is that? You're a vegetarian? So instead of having a bunch of cows destroy 12 acres or so of arable land for you, you will just defoliate one. Good job. But then you are not a true vegetarian are you? You eat dairy products, or chicken, or fish. So I guess vegans are the only ones I can't chew out for being "unconscious" of what they are doing to the environment. Except that, as usual, I can. See they are still helping to destroy the harmonic balance the earth had, just cause there are so damn many of them. "O.K.," you say "I guess I am always in the wrong, but what can I do about it?" I'll tell you what you can do. Stop. Stop using the world's precious resources. Stop procreating like crazed weasels. Stop eating ten times what you need to just because you can. Stop eating period. Join the Church of Euthanasia. Kill yourself!

Yes you heard me right. I am telling you to snuff your light out. You and everyone one else reading this. That is the most socially acceptable way of reducing the world population, and stopping this horrid calamity that has been visited upon our mother earth, which happens to be called the human race. I am sure many people will be offended by this letter but that is all right. Many animals are offended when we spill oil all over their homes. Many more are offended at being raised with ten cubic inches of breathing space just to be eaten. If you step back a little and look at the Earth you can tell she is offended by all the shit we have done to her. If you want more information on the Church of Euthanasia I can get it to you. If you just off yourself or can help some one else off themselves you will be just as valuable though.

(applause)

Thank you Yanni! Yanni can be reached at either of these addresses:

ycooper@muselab.ac.runet.edu
ycooper@rucs2.cs.runet.edu

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