
The Church of Euthanasia
e-sermon #3
Dear brethren, today I have a special surprise in store for all of you. Today
we have with us none other than the amazing Yanni Cooper! Yanni is a real live
Snuff It-thumping environmental extremist, a loyal follower of the church, and
I'm proud to call him my friend. He will be delivering today's sermon, and I
suggest you all hold on to your benches and pews, because otherwise they might
blow right over! But first, before we get started, let me take this opportunity
to thank ALL of you who came to last Sunday's picnic. It was a roaring success,
and there were many enlightening conversations. Later everyone got very drunk,
volleyball was played naked in the mud, and several acts of public sodomy were
performed, one of which I still have bruises from, but never mind. On a more
serious note, those of you who still follow the Spectacle will know that at the
last minute, thanks in large part to YOUR earnest prayers, the tiny island of
Haiti was NOT saturation-bombed into the stone age by the B-52s of the United
States Air Force. Gaia be praised. With your continued prayers, the situation
is bound to further improve. I've said it before and I'll say it again: why
waste money on the military when people need to die right here at home! And now,
without further ado, let's hear it for Yanni "moise" Babatunde Cooper!
(microphone adjusting, howling feedback, etc.)
I'm sick of hearing about inner city violence. I'm sick of hearing about the
millions starving every day. It's a historically proven fact that the best way
to prevent war is to have the populace of one or both countries die off from a
famine or plague or something. I mean, almost no one wants to conquer a desert
filled with starving babies and lepers and raving lunatics.
The biggest problem in the world today, the largest cause of suffering and
pain, the biggest contributor to the unbalancing of the ecosystems of Gaia and
destruction of whole species, is none other than you, the gentle reader. Gentle
my ass!
Maybe you consider yourself to be "environmentally conscious". Sure but do
you drive a car? "Oh but it passes the emissions test" you say. So? That is
just what the current governmental body think is the amount they can allow you
to pollute the atmosphere, without it effecting their chances of getting
reelected. And riding a bike instead doesn't help that much even though it is
better then a car. Do you have any idea how much waste is made in the creation
of just ONE bicycle?
You recycle? Bravo, well done. Though unless you live off soda most likely
you recycle less than 10-15% of your waste. Boy is that going to save the
environment. Chances are that you aren't buying recycled materials either. Oh,
you are? Well I'm sorry then I guess you ARE environmentally conscious; except
that most likely what you are buying is not really recycled material. To be
truly recycled it has to be 100% P.C.W. (post-consumer waste). That means
someone used something previously, recycled it and now you are using bits of it
again. Most things touted as "recycled" nowadays are merely the using of the
scrap left over from the creation of other products. Legally companies are
allowed to put recycled on it because it is technically using something that has
been previously used. But they would have used it anyway. And even if they do
contain P.C.W. most products are still 70-85% virgin products or post industrial
waste (the scraps I was telling you about earlier). Chances are that no matter
how environmentally conscious you think you are, you aren't.
Well maybe you are a member of Green Peace or some other "Save the Animals"
type club. Fat lot of good that will do. Most of that money you send them every
couple of months merely goes into someone's pocket or towards recruiting new
members to give them more money.
Oh, wait, what is that? You're a vegetarian? So instead of having a bunch
of cows destroy 12 acres or so of arable land for you, you will just defoliate
one. Good job. But then you are not a true vegetarian are you? You eat dairy
products, or chicken, or fish. So I guess vegans are the only ones I can't chew
out for being "unconscious" of what they are doing to the environment. Except
that, as usual, I can. See they are still helping to destroy the harmonic
balance the earth had, just cause there are so damn many of them. "O.K.," you
say "I guess I am always in the wrong, but what can I do about it?" I'll tell
you what you can do. Stop. Stop using the world's precious resources. Stop
procreating like crazed weasels. Stop eating ten times what you need to just
because you can. Stop eating period. Join the Church of Euthanasia. Kill
yourself!
Yes you heard me right. I am telling you to snuff your light out. You and
everyone one else reading this. That is the most socially acceptable way of
reducing the world population, and stopping this horrid calamity that has been
visited upon our mother earth, which happens to be called the human race. I am
sure many people will be offended by this letter but that is all right. Many
animals are offended when we spill oil all over their homes. Many more are
offended at being raised with ten cubic inches of breathing space just to be
eaten. If you step back a little and look at the Earth you can tell she is
offended by all the shit we have done to her. If you want more information on
the Church of Euthanasia I can get it to you. If you just off yourself or can
help some one else off themselves you will be just as valuable though.
(applause)
Thank you Yanni! Yanni can be reached at either of these addresses:
ycooper@muselab.ac.runet.edu
ycooper@rucs2.cs.runet.edu
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