Church of Euthanasia

The One Commandment:
"Thou shalt not procreate"

The Four Pillars:
suicide · abortion
cannibalism · sodomy

Human Population:

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Snuff It #1

An Interview with Rev. Korda

Reprinted from Up Magazine

Up: The platform of the Church of Euthanasia includes suicide, abortion, cannibalism and sodomy. Why did you choose those four things?

Korda: Well, first of all we have to establish what they all have in common, and that is of course that they all reduce the human population, which is the primary goal of the church.

Up: And you approve of these four methods?

Korda: Well, these are the four that really stand out as being the most useful for the moment.

Up: But you approve of all methods?

Korda: We prefer methods that are voluntary. The population is going to get reduced one way or the other. We have a choice between allowing things to continue the way they are, in which case natural forces will reduce the population for us, with the maximum amount of violence and unpleasantness, or we can take steps to try and reduce our population voluntarily, through the four pillars of the church.

Up: You're opposed to involuntary population reduction?

Korda: We don't believe in mass murder. We would prefer to see things done in an orderly and sensible manner, to the extent that that's still possible. The longer we delay, the more likely it becomes that there won't be any sensible solution. Already we see chaos in our society, spreading out from the cities, and from the United States to the rest of the world. There's not much time left. If there's going to be an orderly solution it needs to be started immediately.

Up: And you're not just talking about zero population growth, you're talking about population reduction.

Korda: Absolutely. It's been well known for some time now that zero population growth just isn't enough, and we haven't even achieved that. It's a common belief that the United States has already achieved zero population growth, when in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Our population continues to grow, and not just from immigration. In the rest of the world, the population is growing at an incredible rate. As things become more and more uncertain, due in large part to the tremendous strain placed on the ecosystem by the industrial nations, people have less and less confidence that their children will survive, so they have more of them. The numbers speak for themselves. At the current rate, the human population will reach eight billion by 2020, which is well within our lifetimes. It's just common sense that the Earth's ecosystem is not going to sustain that population, and that the side effects are going to be famine, disease, war, and chaos on a scale that we can't even imagine yet.

Up: The apocalypse.

Korda: Right.

Up: But wouldn't the apocalypse accomplish your goal?

Korda: Actually, no. The apocalypse would involve the destruction of the ecosystem, and that's what we're trying to prevent. There are many groups out there who support war, particularly nuclear war, as a way of drastically reducing or eliminating the human species. There is no doubt that the process would be effective, but it would also make vast areas of the Earth unsuitable for any form of life. What we're trying to do is put the human species back in balance with the other species on the planet. We're trying to prevent the apocalypse.

Up: Abortion and suicide are obvious. These are responsible decisions that people can make. Can you be more specific about how sodomy will directly affect the population?

Korda: Well, no one ever got pregnant from sodomy.

Up: (laughs)

Korda: Seriously, why do you think it's still illegal in most states? We are living in a society that is almost entirely dominated by heterosexual males. Our government is a patriarchy. Our god is a father figure. There's been no check, no restraint, on male power for hundreds of years, and the results are horrifying.

Up: Why do males behave this way?

Korda: It all comes down to biology. The male has approximately six hundred million sperm in his body at any given time, and these little guys are jumping up and down in there yelling "let me out, let me out!" By contrast, the female has one egg. There's a well known saying that when the dick gets hard, the brain gets soft, and it's actually very close to the truth. Men will say anything to get laid. Their sperm makes them crazy.

Up: The dreaded sperm buildup!

Korda: It's not just that. Males also lose an enormous amount of energy when they ejaculate, unlike females, who lose their energy through menstruation. Women can have orgasms all day long without any problem. This is the principle reason females live longer than males. All of this was well understood in traditional Asian cultures, where boys were taught sexual yoga to help them retain their semen. In our society, men are encouraged to ejaculate as often as possible, so of course they become weak, and gradually develop deep resentment towards women. This makes them extremely dangerous, and causes sadism and violence. Industrial society is really the male's attempt to get revenge for his natural sexual inadequacy by raping the Earth.

Up: So you're opposed to ejaculation?

Korda: Yes, but we're also pragmatic. What we're saying is, since we have all these angry men trying to get rid of their sperm, why don't they get rid of it in each other?

Up: But what if they don't want to be queer?

Korda: Women can oblige just as easily. Grease it up. If more guys were fucking asses instead of pussies, the population would drop. That's the bottom line.

Up: (more laughs) Should they wear condoms?

Korda: Of course! We're opposed to all needless suffering, including AIDS.

Up: Okay, cannibalism. Are there any restrictions?

Korda: Look, we have fifty thousand automobile fatalities per year, and we're lucky if we recycle a few organs. Perfectly good meat is being buried in the ground, or incinerated. That meat should go to straight to McDonald's. The United States wastes vast amounts of energy so that its citizens can eat as much meat as they want. It's just plain dumb. It takes more than seven pounds of grain to create one pound of meat. Read Diet for a Small Planet if you want the exact figures. There's no sensible reason why the rest of the world should starve so that we can eat meat. It's just another form of cultural decadence. But the church is realistic. We're not expecting Americans to stop eating meat, any more than we're expecting them to stop ejaculating. If they have to eat meat, let's make sure it's human meat.

Up: Have you researched the nutritional value of human flesh?

Korda: There's nothing wrong with it. It's good for you, and tasty too. My understanding is it tastes rather like pork.

Up: Is it true that you'll be publishing a church cookbook?

Korda: There have been rumors to that effect. We're working on it. The main problem is testing the recipes.

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