Church of Euthanasia

The One Commandment:
"Thou shalt not procreate"

The Four Pillars:
suicide · abortion
cannibalism · sodomy

Human Population:

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Snuff It #1

The Church Gets the Last Laugh

On Saturday, April 30, several New England anti-vivisection organizations converged on Boston University for a march to Harvard Square. The Church of Euthanasia was there, and the surf was definitely up. The church delegation included pastor Kim, sister Catherine, sister Laura, brother Dennis, and of course Rev. Korda. Though they were heavily outnumbered by the crowd of roughly two hundred marchers, they did have the advantage of surprise. They arrived carrying signs that read "Stop Animal Testing", "Boycott Gillette", and "Save The Whales." The marchers had no way of knowing that these were in fact specially constructed "trick" signs, each consisting of an "inner" sign, concealed by an easily removable "outer" sign. The church had correctly assumed that security would be tight and that camouflage would be necessary. The crowd was actively monitored by at least twenty yellow-capped members of CEASE (Citizens to End Animal Suffering and Exploitation), many of them carrying walkie-talkies and megaphones. The yellow caps were joined by a contingent of very silly-looking B.U. cops in spandex tights on bicycles. After a long and completely unintelligible speech, the crowd formed into a line and the march began.

Just outside Kenmore Square, pastor Kim broke the ice and unveiled a six foot tall wooden cross. Four naked baby dolls with bloody fingers and mouths hung from the crosspiece, and in the middle of the cross a small stuffed rabbit was crucified. The nearest yellow cap immediately attached herself to pastor Kim like a barnacle. She apparently assumed she was dealing with an isolated lunatic, and repeatedly praised his "Save The Whales" sign, while urging him to abandon the cross. Pastor Kim kept her at bay with an extremely lucid and persistent explanation of church theology. Meanwhile the march arrived in Kenmore Square, and the trick signs were uncloaked. Rev. Korda now led the delegation, carrying the "Kill Your Fetus, Not Your Pet" sign, followed by sister Laura carrying "Eat People Not Animals." Pastor Kim brought up the rear with "Save The Planet, Kill Yourself" and the carnivorous babies.

About halfway across the Mass. Ave bridge, a Boston police officer grabbed Rev. Korda by the elbow and dragged her out of the march for questioning. The Rev. was unable to produce any identification, as usual. She was also carrying Mace without an FID card, and the officer was preparing to arrest her when sister Catherine showed up with the video camera. The air was soon filled with the sweet smell of frying bacon, and the Rev. resumed marching, now surrounded by a rapidly growing crowd of admirers. The yellow caps were forced to do their dirty work themselves. The march paused to demonstrate on the steps of MIT, the yellow caps surrounded the church delegation, and a bitter confrontation ensued. The church was finally forced out of the march, despite angry protests from many of the marchers. Interviews in Harvard Square after the rally revealed that more than half of the marchers had supported the church, and that they had lost all respect for their organizers.

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