Church of Euthanasia

The One Commandment:
"Thou shalt not procreate"

The Four Pillars:
suicide · abortion
cannibalism · sodomy

Human Population:

Snuff It #2

Letters to the editor


Thank you Church dudes and dudettes for the Snuff It. Very nice looking and solid publication. Just one thing, eliminate your DADA or any "art-fag" references and you will be ten times scarier. I don't remember if I sent you a copy of FUCK but I am sending along a copy of #6. Keep up the splendid work.

Yours truly,
Randall Phillips
Box 2217, Philadelphia, PA 19103

This Randall Phillips guy turns out to be quite a character. He's an Aryan Social Darwinist with a ghoulish sense of humor, and his magazine succeeded in shocking us. He favors mass murder and eugenics as population control. Unfortunately the Church of Euthanasia is opposed to involuntary methods, so we can't endorse him. This is too bad, because when he's not advocating torture, slavery, genocide, rape, racism, and cruelty to animals, he's got a lot of things right. We especially liked the following excerpt:

I had a jar of pond water that I was to take samples of and look at under a microscope. The first time I looked at the pond water I saw the microscopic aliens dancing around and having a good time. Each day that I looked at the microscopic aliens there started to be more of them. On the 4th day I noticed that the water was getting darker. The cause of the darkness was an accumulation of more microscopic aliens, their shit and their waste. The microscopic aliens weren't partying as hard, but they were still going at it. By the 7th day the water was very dark. I looked under the microscope and all I saw was microscopic waste. There were a few tiny aliens left gnawing on the remains of the other microscopic dead aliens. Forty years from now the earth is going to look like my jar of pond water on the seventh day, unless we do something about it.

Dear Chrissy,

I loved your paper and please enter me a subscription. I enclose my check. I also am enclosing my picture to you. I have fairly nice C cup tits. I've taken hormones for a while.

I loved your picture under the quote from Deuteronomy. The old testament is little more than scare tactics to keep the tribes of Israel replenished with soldiers and warriors to fight other tribes.

The way I see it is we have these three different groups in the U.S.A. and Latin America in a birth race. First, are the Catholics mainly in Central America, the Mormons in Utah and Idaho and the niggers [sic] who are being subsidized by the government to have more voters who will vote in more social programs.

The Government is broke, the large banks are buying government T-bills, Treasury notes with fingers crossed. No one has the balls to say subsidies are no longer, so we pretend and pay the interest on these securities. The major banks would rather buy these government notes than pump money into private enterprise.

This revolution which will make Rwanda look like a Sunday school picnic will start when the welfare recipients no longer get their "check."

Believe me I rent to low income people, college students and without student loans and government largesse, there would be revolution. Probably starting on the East Coast, the Western states will try to break away. There will be chaos and anarchy. The government knows this hence the assault on hand guns.

Of course, I've been doing my part to keep the population down. Valerie, my girlfriend who is a dyke who hates men, and myself have been castrating young men of breeding age. We only have two notches so far. We're using an elasterator. A device that fits nicely over the scrotum of a calve or lamb. It works well on humans too. Our first victim was drunk. The device puts a strong rubber band over the scrotum, cuts off the blood supply, gangrene sets in, and in about two weeks the sac falls off and creates a eunuch.

The first two minutes there is pain, but after that the balls turn blue and in 4 hours - 6 hours, gangrene is present and they don't dare remove it.

Our first victim slept through the whole thing so it couldn't have been that bad. He rushed himself to the emergency room and they castrated him on the spot.

The second victim we met in the forest, hand-cuffed him to a tree, and he howled, screamed. In Idaho there are thousands of acres of virgin forest. We left a note for the forest rangers giving his location. This did not make the papers so it is still under investigation. In both cases we got the victim's address from his driver's license and sent him a tauntingly sympathetic card (so don't mention this).

I wish I could sterilize 10% of the young men of breeding age and turn them loose on the fertile women like sterile fruit flies.

It's the duty of every drag queen, T.S., T.V. and crossdresser to get a straight boyfriend and keep him away from girls of breeding age.

Picking up men in gay bars doesn't do it. We should pick up men in straight bars. Gays fraternizing with gays does nothing to curb the population.

Anyway you probably think I'm nuts but we will possibly send a picture of our next eunuch before and during his ordeal.

I was hopeful AIDS would do its job and in Africa it's doing O.K. and in Thailand but not here.

We should take $1000 out of everyone's subsidy and pay bounties to people who will become sterile.

Anyway, if you're out here look me up. Valerie has always wanted to be a man and I've always wanted to be a woman so we get along good.

Bob. B.

Please, remind us to stay the hell away from Idaho! And we thought things were getting wild down here in Boston. We hate to keep repeating ourselves, but the church supports voluntary methods. For you folks out there in the woods, that means no going around cutting off people's balls! You're quite right about transgenderism being a good method of population control. The police are your friends! Go down to the station and introduce yourself.

Dear Editor,

Oh how fabulously arsty and shocking! What radical refusal of conventional societal constraints! The fact that you still exist is proof of your conceptual bankruptcy. Put your shotgun where your mouth is or shut the fuck up you Somerville BARNIES.

No offense,

O. Nenslo, professional art-fag hater

We sure are getting a lot of strange mail lately. For those of you who aren't from Somerville, "barnie" is a term employed by the local lifers for anyone who didn't grow up around here or doesn't belong. It's the exact opposite of a "townie." Townies often have short hair, drive muscle cars or pickup trucks with Marine Corps stickers, and have gum-chewing girlfriends with big hair and lots of gold jewelry. Students are barnies by definition, as are most artists, musicians, queers and other free-thinkers. In any case, the fact that you still exist is proof that you should join the Church. No offense taken.

Dear Snuff It,

Firstly, lemmings do not commit mass suicide. This is a hoax apparently created by the Walt Disney company during the 1950's. (I'm not kidding.)

This being the case, you need a new mascot. My suggestion is Dr. Edward Teller, "Father of the H-Bomb." This moron sold Ronald Reagan on the idea of the space based anti-missile system. What Dr. Teller neglected to do was notice the obvious: making obsolete one weapon, the Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (ICBM), does not end the economic, social and political forces which lead to large scale organized warfare. The first nuke was delivered by a B-29 bomber, which an anti-missile system could not touch. Does Dr. Teller seriously believe that everyone in the world has forgotten to how to drop bombs out of airplanes? Of course not. He just wants to win a large-scale nuclear war. Unfortunately, once you set fire to 500 major urban areas, you have a nuclear winter and all human life in the northern hemisphere dies.

Perhaps Dr. Teller's motto is "Kill the Planet, Save My Ideology."

X.S.Despot 2225 Montego Dr., Lansing, MI 48912

Very good! We like the new motto, it's catchy. My personal favorite Star Wars story is the one about Brilliant Pebbles. It turns out the code name was completely literal! Good old uncle Ron was going to fill the stratosphere with small rocks. It really does a number on the Evil Empire's satellites. Unfortunately it also makes it impossible to ever launch the space shuttle again, so NASA finally put a stop to it. Keep us abreast of Dr. Teller's adventures, though in the meantime we'll stick with our mascot:

Rodent related to the mouse. The common or brown lemming (genus Lemmus) inhabits arctic regions of both hemispheres. The long fur is brownish, grayish, or black throughout the year. In Scandinavia particularly, the lemmings undertake mass migrations during periods of overpopulation and food scarcity, swarming over land and through water, deterred by nothing, and eating vegetation on the way. If they reach the sea before the migratory urge subsides, they swim out until they drown. (The Illustrated Columbia Encyclopedia, 1935)

Sound somehow vaguely familiar? That'll be you in ten years. Join the church now, because later you'll be too busy drowning.

Dear Editor,

Are we being denied the right to die? Why is it so wrong to help another person end his or her misery?

Dr. Jack Kevorkian is referred to as Dr. Death, but he describes his methods as humane and painless. In Washington state people will be voting on an initiative to legalize suicide in cases where the patient has six months or less to live. If this is passed, Washington will be the first state to legalize euthanasia. The truth is, having a terminal disease is agony. One can fight only so long.

This is the point. To people who are suffering, Kevorkian is a savior.

Beth Heyde, Plymouth, MA

Amen to that, and soon to be Saint Kevorkian! The man is an inspiration to us all. Suicide should be as easy as getting your teeth cleaned, and not just for the terminally ill. Everyone has the right to die painlessly, whenever they want. Lobby your Congressman! More money for euthanasia! Why spend it on the military when people need to die right here at home?

Dear Editor,

Okay, on all this Ejaculation stuff: Wouldn't the world simply be a better place if more men learned to jack off, and did this regularly instead of having sex with women (if I follow your argument)? Therefore, since masturbation is not procreation, masturbation should be viewed as an heroic act by the Church, should it not? I hereby declare myself a Hero, then, for masturbating since age 13, and using this as my sexual outlet, rather than going out of my way to have sex with women for the past 8 years. Actually, perhaps masturbation needs a better overall image in society at large. It's an effective method of curbing sexual drive, and therefore prevents one from having sex with others when done often enough, thusly slowing down the population growth rate, and the spread of communicable diseases. Any spoo that lands outside of a human reproductive system is heroic spoo. More people should therefore partake of oral and anal sex exclusively, if they insist upon having a partner.

Colin S. Reid

We love it! You're a hero! Aim for the chin!

 index #2  ·  next 

 top  email the Church of Euthanasia