Snuff It #3

Ask Chrissy

A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to man, nor shall a man wear a woman's garment; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the lord.

-Deuteronomy 22:5

Dear Chrissy,

I am confused (not terribly unusual). If (as everyone would no doubt agree) it is perfectly natural and thus acceptable for one animal to kill another animal for the purposes of sustenance, then why is it not perfectly acceptable for humans to kill other humans for food? We are, after all, nothing more than another of nature's meat eating creatures on this planet.

-Hungry in El Dorado

Dear Hungry,

The trouble is, humans just aren't doing it, whether it's acceptable or not. Humans kill each other with zeal, but the bodies are mostly pumped full of chemicals and buried in boxes. When the worms and beetles finally chew through the box, they have to eat formaldehyde, which is not very nice. It's getting tough to find a scenic place to bury the boxes, too, which means more and more stiffs are getting torched. All those years of consumption, and you don't even give your body back? So wasteful! Yeesh.

The Nazis certainly get the award for most ambitious human-hunting, but all that effort went for soap, a little gold, and some lampshades. Meanwhile their troops were starving to death on the Russian front. They didn't have much effect on the world population, either; at current rates, six million Jews equal less than twenty-four days' growth. This is just more evidence that humans aren't as clever as they think.

In any case, human-hunting is considered a form of involuntary population reduction, and is therefore against the rules. The eaten must volunteer, and die a good death, while the eaters express their admiration and gratitude. Of course, there's no problem if someone's already dead, but thanks to desk jobs, junk food, and hospitals, they'll most likely be stringy, toxic, and old. Try boiling, and plenty of salt.

This probably leaves you still hungry, but cheer up, there's hope; if you can gradually adapt yourself to plastic food, you can remove yourself from the food chain entirely. If you eat like most Americans, you'll never notice the difference, and it sure beats recycling.

 prev  ·  index #3  ·  next