AN OPEN LETTER TO THE KID I'LL NEVER HAVE

Dear kid I'll never have,

You won't actually read this, because you do not, and never will exist. So why am I writing this? Because I'm selfish, duh! Because I possess a vagina, the world thinks it's my duty to procreate. Let me explain the reasons why you'll never exist.

First of all, I don't want kids. That should be enough, but no, I have to further explain myself. Similarly, I don't want a dog, I don't want to play professional rugby, and I don't want to climb Mount Everest. Is that really so hard to fathom? Do I need to write a manifesto about why I don't like pickled beets, too? Oh, society says, it's because I'm selfish. That's it.

In truth, little figment of my imagination, I'm not any more or less selfish than the average citizen. I give my subway seat up for old/pregnant/disabled people, I occasionally volunteer for charities, I bring my neighbors cupcakes sometimes; I do all the normal stuff people do that proves in the minds of others that they are not selfish. You would probably do the same. I do not sit around all day counting up my disposable income and cackling evilly as I think about how I only care about my career, while sipping a skinny soy pumpkin spice latte in my solid gold Escalade that's unsullied by a baby seat!

Oh wait, no, I don't actually have a career. But I'm still a self-obsessed, vainglorious jerk-wad because I don't have a desire to leave my legacy to the world through multiple descendants. How will anyone remember me if I don't leave hordes of progeny to compose odes to my memory? I'm so selfish, the field on which the crowd gathers to sing my praises will be as barren as my windswept womb! I'm also so self-absorbed that I don't want to force my spawn to live in a world that is on the verge of environmental and societal breakdown. "BUT WAIT!" you say, "I could be the one to reverse environmental decay and fix the world! You are selfish because you are not raising a potential force for good on the planet!"

Yeah, hon. I'm not potentially raising the next Hitler, either. Or, more truthfully, I'm likewise not loosing another mediocre consumer of resources onto the planet.

Let's imagine, for the sake of argument, I were to get knocked up with and choose to raise you. First, I would go into debt bringing you into this world because my insurance sucks, hospitals are expensive, and I don't have any money. Oh crap, maybe you need your tonsils out! Maybe you have a serious medical condition! Sorry, kid. I now have to take a third job to keep us both fed, which means more daycare and less medical care for you. But making you sit in a low-cost, probably-illegal daycare is way less selfish than deciding to not have you in the first place! Unfortunately for you, I'm not gonna breed because I'm a selfish evil Feminazi who likes stupid, frivolous things like sleep and paying the rent.

God forbid your father/sperm donor should be black or otherwise non-white. What would happen then? Am I a selfish asshole because I don't want to watch you get shot by the police, or get suspended from school for something a white kid wouldn't even get noticed for? Maybe I give you an obviously non-white name like Tashaundra because I like it, thus relegating your future resumes to the trash bin before anyone even looks at them. But it's ok that I'm feeding the school-to-prison pipeline, because at least I know that I'm not selfish because I reproduced, and that's what counts, right?

Even if you do grow up 3/4 white (sorry, can't make up for the 1/2 of me that's not white, maybe technology can fix that someday), I don't have a lot of money, so the chance you will climb out of poverty is almost nil. I will not be able to afford college, and your future unskilled job will probably be outsourced to robots. But, I'm selfish because I like things like cappuccinos and not starving to death. I don't think you're going to discover a way to end the world's problems with just a high school education. Sorry about that, my (unselfish) bad! But at least now I'm fulfilled because I know the joys of motherhood and being tired and cranky all the time from overwork and lack of sleep, and will pass that joy on to you.

"But who will take care of you in your old age?" you whine, trying to change my non-procreative mind. What? If I am reproducing just for stability in my old age, there are a lot of variables. First of all, it will take +/- 40 years before I see any sort of return on that investment. Also, in that time, a lot can happen. What if there's a nuclear war? What if a piano falls on my head before I'm feeble enough to need your help? Are we even still speaking at this point? Raising a human larvae to adulthood expends an awful lot of work on someone who will just stick me in a retirement home at the first sign of me forgetting my keys.

Internet forums are fond of lamenting, "But think of all the women out there who yearn for babies, but have [fill in the blank fertility issues]! Don't you feel bad for them?" Why are you even asking me this? I should make a minimum of two people miserable for the rest of their impoverished lives because some hypothetical lady can't get knocked up? How do you even know that I'm fertile enough to make up for her lack of contribution to overpopulation? Even if I am able, I should squeeze a parasite out of my nether regions and feed and clothe it for a couple of decades just so I can say "I'm having this baby for Suzi Q. Wombless, because she can't. Ha ha, Suzi. You fail at womanhood, I win and I don't even care." Real classy argument, Hypothetical Spawn. I thought I didn't-raise you to be better than that!

"But it's what humans were built to do! Every species on earth's function is to reproduce! It's natural!" Yeah, many species also eat their young when there's a lack of resources to support them. There are over seven billion people on this planet. When's the baby barbecue happening? For the record, lots of animals also eat their poop and kill other animals' babies. Who's to say what is natural?

"But having me will make you a better person! As soon as you have me, you'll understand the meaning of life and know the joy that is motherhood!" Right. Because females have nothing else that would ever fulfill their lives.

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